How I Turned Rejection Into My First International Comedy Show In Japan

In this episode, I take you behind the scenes of how rejection, frustration, faith, and one unexpected conversation led me to create and perform my first international English-led bilingual stand-up comedy show in Yokosuka, Japan:

That Time I Got Reincarnated As A Cowboy In Japan And Had To Perform Comedy To Save The World.

What started as me trying to find a few minutes of stage time eventually became something much bigger: my own hour-long comedy show in a foreign country, organized with less than three weeks to prepare. I talk about navigating the Japanese comedy environment, attempting to build an audience with a limited local network, and reaching the point where we had sold zero tickets only about a week before the show.

Instead of giving up, I kept promoting, networking, and working alongside the owner of MagYoko to make the event happen. Somehow, that nearly empty ticket list turned into a packed venue filled with people from Japan, America, and beyond, including people who traveled hours to attend. More importantly, the entire experience forced me to reconsider how I respond when opportunities disappear. I had been frustrated with God about doors that were not opening, only to realize that if one of those smaller opportunities had worked out, I probably never would have created something of my own.

I also reflect on performing stand-up comedy internationally for the first time, adapting comedy for an audience that included English-language learners, dealing with my own perfectionism after the performance, and learning to appreciate what I accomplished without pretending everything went perfectly. Sometimes the opportunity we are asking for looks completely different from the opportunity God eventually puts in front of us, and this experience became another reminder for me to choose questions over accusations when I do not understand what He is doing.

After the behind-the-scenes story, you will hear the full audio from my comedy performance in Japan, including jokes about being an American cowboy in Japan, culture shock, learning Japanese through anime, PASMO machines exposing foreigners, Japanese dating misunderstandings, Godzilla versus Sanrio, American food in Japan, maid cafés, friendship, and plenty of absurd experiences from my time overseas. Because so much of stand-up comedy depends on expressions, movement, and physical delivery, I highly recommend watching the full video, Stand-Up Comedy in Japan: Culture Shock, Dating & Chaos | Full Special, on the Couple O' Nukes YouTube channel through the link in the description.

https://youtu.be/y81YZ7fS2yI?si=p8FcBFc-W5JpxjaK

coupleonukes.com/comedy/

Website: https://coupleonukes.com

Discounted Military Creator Con Tickets: http://militarycreatorcon.com/register?afmc=MCCMW

Exodus, Honor Your Heart, & Nulu Knives: https://www.coupleonukes.com/affiliates/

Want to be a guest on Couple O' Nukes? Send me a message on PodMatch:  https://www.podmatch.com/hostdetailpreview/1726279485588093e83e0e007

Sign Up For A PodMatch Account: https://www.joinpodmatch.com/coupleonukes

*Couple O' Nukes LLC and Mr. Whiskey are not licensed medical entities, nor do they take responsibility for any advice or information put forth by guests. Take all advice at your own risk.

Transcript

 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Couple of Nukes, the podcast. This episode is not an ordinary episode. I'm going to be reviewing and talking a little bit about my recent experience hosting and performing my own comedy show, and then I actually have, after that, the audio file from the comedy show for y'all to listen to. Now, I do highly recommend you go watch it on the YouTube channel. The Couple of Nukes YouTube channel is gonna have that comedy show easily accessible. In fact, I'll have the link in the description below, so you can just click on that right now and hop over to YouTube, where I do prefer for you to watch it. There's a lot of, you know, physical cues and just... It's just a better experience. However, if you're interested in just listening to audio comedy, maybe you're driving, whatever it is, glad to have you here, and you can always watch it on video later if you want So this is a bit of a faith testimony as well because I am super grateful to God for what happened and the way things lined up and it also ties into why this was made on such short notice which we'll get into. I was at the MAG Yoko here in Yokosuka, Japan where I'm currently residing and there was a gentleman that I was conversing with at the Toastmasters International group meeting that happens at the MAG Yoko. Um, it's, uh, like twice a month but it's a hybrid so sometimes it's Zoom only but on this particular night we were in person and I, I love the in-person experience. It's awesome. I have never done Toastmasters before. I was just attending as a guest and it was a bilingual opportunity. Uh, I got to learn some new Japanese even though we mainly speak in English at the event and it was super awesome. I actually got some awards for Table Topics Master and I'm just super grateful to that group and that opportunity. Well after one of the meetings, this particular meeting back in like the end of July, it was the end of July and we all grabbed a drink and we, you know, sat around the bar talking and, and the gentleman talking with me was talking about wanting to do comedy and he had some questions for me and we're talking and he had done some improv work, you know, workshops and stuff like that it sounded like but hadn't performed stand-up really, uh, if I'm not mistaken maybe at all. And so I really was interested in, in that conversation because he mentioned Tokyo Comedy Bar which is very popular here in Japan and he was trying to see about their workshops or, you know, performing as well and I told him my experience with them which was a negative one. Um, the emails they sent me felt a bit rude, a bit xenophobic and they kind of were just running in circles, uh, leading me on and wasting my time and I do not respect them for that because they were indirect or being passive-aggressive. Again, it felt kind of xenophobic in some ways and also hypocritical and because of that I was kind of just gonna give up on that and started looking at open mic opportunities elsewhere because I value how I'm treated more than opportunities that I have to deal with that kind of stuff for. Well In the midst of all this, we were talking to the bar owner, and we jokingly talked about, "Well, let's just do an open mic comedy event here." Because normally the Mag Yoko does English events. They have a English Cheers event, which is, I believe, a wine tasting event. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to attend one yet. And then they were gonna do an art gallery and some other stuff, but the person had broken their leg. And so the bar owner goes, "Yeah, you guys wanna do a comedy thing here? Let me know." And, you know, so I started pursuing that. Uh, the gentleman I was conversing with unfortunately decided to decline, uh, participation. I reached out to some other people here in Japan who had performed stand-up before or were interested in it, and they kind of flaked out or ghosted on me. And, you know, if you wanna pursue comedy, I was offering them to be on a poster to perform at this event, and I offered them however much time they wanted because I know what it's like to fight for a three-minute spot or a five-minute spot and hope for 15 or 30 minutes or an hour. So I told them whatever they wanted, we would work together to make it happen. And these were people who had only ever performed once or maybe twice, and so this was an opportunity that they wouldn't really ever get. And for me, it taught me a lot about how badly people want stuff or not. You know, a lot of people say, "Oh, I want to pursue comedy," but they're not truly passionate about it. Because if you're a stand-up comedian and, you know, you've only done it once or twice or you've done a few workshops and someone offers you a spot to do 10 minutes or 15 minutes or half an hour, and your excuse is, "Ah, I don't really know," if, if you don't have a justified excuse, then you really don't wanna do it. Now, if your excuse is, "Hey, that's too much time. That's too im- intimidating at my level. I rather just do three or five minutes," then that works as well. However, with this particular event, I offered them whatever time they had wanted. So that being said, it ended up being just me, which was a bigger burden on myself. It was great because it made me the spotlight, but it also meant that I had to perform continuously for an hour, and that was the time that me and the bar owner had chosen because it felt like an appropriate time. Obviously, if there was other comedians, we could have made it longer or changed the time, but we ended up deciding we're gonna do an hour comedy show. And we're looking at the calendar together We're looking at the dates where it would be possible. One of them was like in a week. One of them was like in, uh, a week and a half. One of them was in a few days. And I was like, well, the issue is promotion. The issue is getting it out. The issue wasn't can I make stand-up comedy in a few days? Sure. I mean, a lot of it is made up on the spot. Some of it is pre-rehearsed. But I was like, yeah, I mean, worst case scenario, if I had to perform right now, I would do it. Maybe it wouldn't be the best, but it's possible, uh, you know? And so We decided on three weeks for promotional purposes, and that three weeks was really because after that I was leaving Japan. You know, I've been here for over two and a half months now, and I have a three-month marker to meet. And so we put together this event. I made a poster. I had to promote it, and it was hard. I was in a foreign country that majority of population does not speak English or does not speak English at a level to attend a comedy show that's only in English, I should say. A lot of people here do understand English or speak it, but to go to a comedy show that's only in English with a few Japanese words thrown in, that's a different skill level. And so with a limited network, I was trying to meet people and, and promote it, and a lot of people were busy or it was too last minute or, you know, they, they wanted to go but they knew no one here. Which was interesting because a lot of the people that I've met here who do speak English who are from a foreign nation to Japan, whether that's America or England or Australia or whatever it may be, Germany even, you know, a lot of them are just lone wolves. They're lone travelers. If they have a relationship, you know, it's just them, their partner, and their kids. That's their whole circle. So it was really interesting to kind of see a pattern. Now, I haven't met every bilingual or, you know, foreigner here, so... But out of the list of ones that I did know, at least 10 or more of them were all just like lone wolf type people. And so there's a lot to be spoken about there, whether that is A, the, you know, social environment of Japan when it comes to integrating foreigners, or B, the type of people that are coming and moving here. So definitely was very interesting. That being said, we managed to get a pretty good sized crowd. I mean, we filled up the place. It's a small venue and, you know, there was-- If anyone else showed up, they would've had to stand, so kinda grateful for the crowd that showed up. And it was so neat to have people from all different parts of America, from Japan. You know, we had people travel, some of them three hours, some of them two hours, some of them 30 minutes. We had people from all over, all different prefectures and, you know, different parts of cities. So that was just really, really cool. People that I've-- I actually got to meet, um, you know, Mike from MoPod. You know, he's someone I've met at podcast conferences before, such as Podcast Movement and PodFest, and he was in Japan at this time. So what a small world moment it was. It was truly awesome to have that. And so all of that being said It also reassured me of my faith. And the faith part comes in where I was talking to God pretty upset, like, "Hey, God, you know, I really want to perform internationally," and dare I say bilingually, right? You know, just to do something different, to address a different, you know, social environment and comedic environment, and to make a point that wherever we go, you know, if we work hard, we can achieve things. And I felt like I wasn't getting that opportunity, that I was being treated wrong over just three or five-minute spots. At most, maybe 10 or 15 minutes. And by a place where I saw people you know, do terribly and get prioritized over and over again because of their race or skin color or because of their, you know, local connections. And so I was pretty frustrated. I was frustrated with that and with God in the sense that I was like, "You know, why would he do this?" And after talking to him about all this, this is when, you know, the next day I go into the bar and it just so happens that all the English events were canceled coming up that, you know, the end of the month and beginning of the next month for this bar. And, you know, the owner happened to really like the same interests as me and was willing to host this. This was her first ever comedy show at this venue. So there was a lot of pressure on me as well to perform in a way that, you know, did not shame the reputation of this establishment that was trying out something new. And so this was the longest time I ever performed, by the way. You know, I've performed at conferences and on cruises, at conferences on cruises before, but it's always been a three or five-minute spot at most. So to have an hour, and we ended up, I ended up performing a little bit shy of an hour. You know, I ended up talking a little bit faster because I was, I was pretty nervous. And the crowd was the kind too also where, you know, what I've noticed at least in my personal experience, I won't generalize Japan, but a lot of Japanese people don't really laugh out loud or cry out loud. Like I've gone to the movie theaters a couple times and I'm a bit embarrassed 'cause I'm the only person laughing out loud most of the time. And, you know, stand-up comedy also isn't really Japanese. Like the comedy s- the sense of comedy and the style of comedy here is a little bit different. That's not to say that they don't appreciate stand-up comedy. There are stand-up comedy venues and stuff, but it's not as mainstream as it is in America or other parts of the world. And so the reception and feedback of the crowd was also very different compared to other comedy events that I've attended or, you know, been performing at. And so it was a lot of learning and stuff. All that being said, going back to the faith part It just so happened, you know, like I thought to myself like, wow, you know, sometimes we're complaining about something small and problematic and God's like shaking his head like, "I've got this door about to open right behind you." Because here's, here's the truth of it. If the Tokyo Comedy Bar had said, "Yes, come perform at our place," uh, you know, "You ha- here's a three-minute spot or a five-minute spot," or whatever it was, I would have never even brought it up to the bar owner at Mag Yoko about having a comedy show there. I wouldn't have. I would have been telling everyone, "Hey, I'm performing at Tokyo Comedy Bar. Come watch me this date, this time." I would have never even suggested creating my own opportunity. And so It taught me a lot about patience and trust in God, and, you know, everything lined up a, a very specific way. And the longer I live, the more I see that in my life, and it was just such a huge opportunity to be like, wow. You know, we sometimes get so focused on the present. Like, there are things that can line up that we could never imagine. I would have never imagined if you had told me, you know, even just a month ago, "Hey, this woman's gonna break her leg and be unable to host her English events at this venue, and you're gonna go there for a different event, and then you and this guy are gonna start talking about comedy, uh, shortly before he walks out the door for the evening to get home, and you're gonna jokingly say it in a casual, you know, joke to the bar owner, and she's gonna take it seriously and work with you to create an event." Like, I would have never believed that or even thought that was gonna happen. And so it reassured me that I need to have greater faith, and I don't think it was wrong of me to express my frustrations to God. You know, read Psalms, you know, like David really clearly expressed his emotions to God, and it's about how do you respect God when you express your emotions. You know? I don't think you should have an overly casual relationship with God, uh, but there is a parental and child bond, and, you know, Yeshua calls us friends even. And so I think we need to communicate with God our negative emotions as well. But I, I suggest against, you know, trying to curse out God or yell at him or accuse him. I, I, I mean, you can if you really want to. I mean, he's not gonna strike you down necessarily. I mean, I won't say that with 100% certainty 'cause I'm not God. But I think asking questions is the better way to go about it. I think questions over accusations, um, at least in my life, that has helped me a lot better when it comes to my relationship with God. And, you know, this isn't me preaching or giving, you know, preacher-worthy advice. This is just my personal experience, so take that as you will. But it was a great opportunity, and I'm just super thankful. And I don't wanna say I'm proud of myself in the sense that I definitely wish the performance had gone different. There's a lot of things I'm really upset about right now: the camera angles, the camera heights, the lighting, the, you know, uh The how the performance itself went. And I know I'm m- the biggest critic there. You know, everyone there said, "Hey, this was wonderful. This was great. I loved your material." It meant a lot to have a Japanese woman come up to me and say, "Hey, English is my second language, but I was able to understand you. You know, you spoke at a rate that wasn't too fast to translate," which was my biggest fear. And I know I definitely could have talked slower. Uh, that's something I've been working on in, during my stand-up comedy, and if you watch my older stand-up performances, you'll see that there are times where I talk really fast. But it, it meant a lot to get that feedback. And so I am frustrated with a lot of things, but I am proud of the fact that I, you know, put this all together, that I, I worked with the bar owner to arrange this and, you know, I went out of my way to make the social media clips, to make social media clips and subtitle them in multiple languages, which took time. And the fact that she reached out to me after the first or second week, which I wasn't promoting it right away because I was busy doing all kinds of stuff here in Japan. I wasn't sleeping. I was podcasting in America, Jamaica, and Africa overnight, uh, even England. You know, I was going to bilingual and other Japanese events during the day. There was many times b- during that three-week period where I had not slept or eaten properly because I've just been busy, and I knew that time was running short And so a week and a half or so, maybe even just a week, but I wanna say like a week and a half or so before the comedy show, the bar owner reached out to me and said, "We haven't sold a single ticket." And that crushed me. And I was so close to thinking, "Look, there-- I'm just, forget it." I was so close to just telling her, "Forget this," you know? "I don't know anyone here. Too many people are turning it down." Her, her local customers said, "Hey, it sounds great, but we don't speak enough English," or, "We don't have a strong enough English level." And I don't speak enough, me personally, I don't speak enough Japanese to perform in Japanese. And so I was crushed. I was like, "You know what? I should just throw this out." But the bar owner said, "Even though we haven't sold any tickets, let's keep pushing, especially as we reach the end here, and, you know, I appreciate what you're doing." And, and, and she was so enthusiastic and encouraging, and I, and I really needed that. And I'm really grateful to her for that, because she could've easily said, "Hey, look, we haven't sold a single ticket yet. Just forget this. It's not worth my time to try and host someone, uh, in this event when it's not showing any results yet." You know? And that week I really pushed, and I did some in-person networking and went to bilingual events and did what I could. You know, everyone said, "Oh, it should be so easy. There's a Navy military base there." Yeah, that I don't have access to, that I couldn't promote on and, you know, and running around the streets looking for Americans and being like, "Hey, come to my comedy show." You know? I didn't do that. Um, but definitely thought about it. And I didn't, you know, really know about all the different online services to promote it. And so for us to fill the whole venue in basically one week's time, that was truly amazing. And, and we could've fit more people. We had more tickets for sale and, you know, we could've gotten more chairs or squished everyone shoulder to shoulder. Uh, but we, we filled it, we filled it, and you, and you can see those pictures available on my social media, in a, in a way that was a little more intimate and personal. And yeah, I definitely dream about one day being on a stage and maybe there's 50 people or 100 people, um, for sure. But I was really happy with how this turned out. And so without further ado, uh, let's get into the actual comedy itself. You can find it here, like I said, or on the YouTube. I highly encourage y'all to, uh, check out the YouTube for it as well. I think it's gonna be a lot more worth your time. But if you want the audio only version, here it is 

 All righty, everyone. Well then, we'll go ahead and get started, and hopefully everyone can hear me perfectly. Yeah. Thank you. I like to always start everything I do with gratitude. When I wake up, when I eat, before I go to sleep, when I find that last parking spot that I didn't think existed, or the other day, I went into the store right as they were putting the discount stickers on the bento boxes. Those are small moments of gratitude. But tonight, I really wanna express gratitude, not just verbally, but if we could get a round of applause for Yoshiko and Mag Yoko, please, everyone I have a lot of gratitude to our wonderful bartender here and to the Mad Yoko. Without her cooperation, this wouldn't have been possible. We put this together with, like, less than three weeks notice. We made promotionals, we sent the word out, we made a website, you know, all kinds of stuff. So super grateful. Uh, so thank you so much. And then thank you to everyone here. Without y'all showing up, this wouldn't be possible. And I really wanna extend gratitude. If English is your second language, thank you for showing up to something that is difficult and different. I really appreciate y'all, and I respect y'all for getting outside of your comfort zone. And of course, thank you to God for this opportunity Along those lines, I wanna share one of my favorite verses of scripture, a proverb, that relates to this exactly. It says that a crushed spirit dries up the bones, but a cheerful word is good medicine. The Bible prescribes laughter, and that's why we're here tonight. I know that everyone here is going through rough things in their life, their personal life, and we've got tons of government issues. But I wanna just thank everyone and hope that you left all your problems outside this door. When you came in tonight, I hope you left them out there. And if they start loitering, you know, we'll call the cops. But tonight, I want you to just focus on my issues. Uh, not because I need therapy, I probably do, but because they're funny. And it's not because I put together comedic material and spent time crafting. No, my life is just naturally absurd. I mean, the older I get, the stranger it gets. So welcome to that time I got reincarnated as a cowboy in Japan, and had to perform stand-up comedy to save the world. Like all of your best animes, the best animes of all time, uh, it's only gonna be 12 episodes. Uh, one of them's actually gonna be an OVA, and it's gonna be a cliffhanger ending. There will be no second season, and if there is, they're gonna animate it so poorly that no one watches it. But maybe, maybe they'll make a live action movie, change half the plot, kill off half the characters. And you know, those are always great. Love the live action movies. But on the bright side, perhaps they'll get Kento Yamazaki to play me, and we'll finally have some accurate casting. So super excited for everyone being here. And so, konbanwa, and of course, howdy y'all. You know, it is a word that I would've said in Japanese, but there is no direct Japanese translation for it. You know, there are some Janglish, you know, made up Japanese-English fusions for howdy, but they just don't do a proper justice to it. And I bring it up because I suppose it is a unique part of the American culture, just as the cowboy hat is. And I say that because being in Japan as a foreigner is already an experience on its own. Being in Japan with a cowboy hat, that's a whole 'nother level of an experience right there. Everywhere I go, everyone stares at it, you know? Uh, like they, it's just so much attention, and it's opened my eyes to a lot. Number one, people, you know, the Japanese, would see me without the cowboy hat, and they'd be like, "Ugh, another foreigner ruining our country." And then I would put the hat on, and they'd say, "Oh, it's a celebrity. Let's go talk to him. Let's get a photograph," right? And it's so interesting, you know, it really opened my eyes to how confusing English is. You know, English is a difficult language because one Japanese guy, he comes up to me and he goes, "Your outfit, you look, uh, very cool." I said, "Arigatou gozaimasu." And then a young woman who didn't speak as much English, you know, she comes up to me and she goes, "How to say, hmm, in, in English, uh..." How to say you are hot. Is that correct? And I said, "Chotto matte. Ya, chigau." I said, "Normally hot could be correct, but when talking to a man like me, it's pronounced differently. You have to say very hot." And she goes, "Very hot, hotto? How to say correctly?" I said, "Hai hai." So she goes, "Gomenasai. You are very hot, cowboy." I said, "That's the best English I've heard. You're number one student right there. Best English I've heard." But English is a weird language, you know, being hot and cool, they're just opposite temperatures, yet they can both be kind of the same compliment, so it's confusing. And then there's the awkward moments where someone's like, "You look hot." I'm like, "Oh, thank you." And they go, "No, like, you're sweaty and gross." Like, you know? And in Japan with the summer heat, it's hard not to be hot and hot, you know? So it's opened my eyes up to a lot. But I'm very grateful, like I said, to be here in a cowboy hat and to get the compliments, sometimes the insults, usually from an American woman in Japan. It's not the actual Japanese who are upset by it. Um, I just don't get why it has so much attention. You know, to me, it's just a hat. I don't even know it's there half the time. To be honest, I forget I'm wearing it, and then when I take it off, it feels like I'm still wearing it. Y'all understand, right? But my friend stopped me. He pulled me aside. He goes, "Listen, if you were in America doing your normal nine-to-five and a Japanese guy walks past you wearing a samurai helmet, how would you feel?" And I said, "Well, you know what? Outside of LA and New York City, that would be strange." He goes, "That's what you look like. To the Japanese, you have a historic artifact on your head. You are basically just walking around in samurai armor for the Americans." I said, "Well, when you put it that way, I, I feel, you know, a little bit different." But all the women here wear bucket hats. No one says anything to them. This is the man's bucket hat. This is just the manly version of the bucket hat, okay? It's very Japanese. But, you know, it's, it's opened my eyes to so much being here and having the cultural interchange, you know? I can't hide the fact that I'm American, and I certainly try, you know. And there's a few things that give it away I don't understand. Obviously, the hat can be a bit of a giveaway sometimes, even though it's just a bucket hat. But it's a lot of things, and it's not just looking American, which I do sometimes look American, I understand, but it's worse. There's levels to it. Sounding American. You know, I've practiced learning Japanese and I called a hotel to make a reservation here in Japan, and I only spoke in Japanese, and they answered me in English. I said, "Now why are you answering me in English? I spoke only Japanese." So I said, "Well, maybe my pronunciation's bad, right? Maybe you can hear the pronunciation." A friend pulls me aside, she goes, "It has nothing to do with your pronunciation." She goes, "It's the fact that your Japanese consists of only quoting anime." She said, "You don't speak real Japanese. You just quote anime scene after anime scene." I said, "Well, yes. Am I wrong for that?" I said, "I go on the App Store on my phone and it says, 'Learn Japanese through anime clips. The number one AI-powered and reinforced way to learn Japanese.'" And it sounds great. It's a great incentive to learn, except one thing. Anime is not entirely real life. You know, sometimes it's a little out there, not really, but sometimes. And it's mostly expressions and overreactions, you know? Like I know how to threaten people in Japanese or say I'm sorry, you know? I'm like, "Omae wa shindeiru," or it's just like, "Sumimasen," you know? There's no balance in between. And so it's hard to, to mask that. And my friend said, "Look, it's a simple solution. You need to stop quoting anime." And of course my response to that was, "Nani? What do you mean? Why would I stop quoting anime? Are you trying to say it's muda, muda, muda, muda, muda, muda, muda?" Absolutely not. But daijoubu desu I guess. You know, she says, "Listen, you gotta promise me." She stuck the pinky out at me. You know what that means when a woman does that, so I said okay. I looked her dead in the eyes and I said... She said, "Can you promise me you'll stop quoting anime?" So I looked her dead in the eyes and I said, "Yare yare daze," and I hit her with a JoJo pose and I said, "Absolutely not." And it's funny because I've been saying yare yare daze for years. It's not a Japanese thing to me. I say it in America when I have to wait in a long line, "Yare yare daze." When there's traffic, "Yare yare daze." When I don't find that last parking spot, "Yare yare daze." But she said that, "You're just bizarre," which I took as a compliment. Obviously I watch anime. Of course I wanna be bizarre. But yeah, it's, it's hard to hide it, you know, people can hear it. And I have a personal grudge against the train stations. The fastest way to find an American, a foreigner, it's at the train station. Not because we look lost, which we are, but because of the PASMO machine. It is a racist and xenophobic machine. I'll say it proudly. If you use it in Japanese to recharge your PASMO card, it just says, "PASMO, dot, dot, dot," normal volume. If you go to the language selection and you hit English, you know what it does? "Now displaying guidance in English." It screams it at the top of its lungs. And that's not what we hear obviously. What we hear is, "There's an American right here. He's right here recharging his PASMO." So I have a personal grudge against it. I refuse to use it in English of course. I'm not gonna set the distress beacon out for Batman, you know? So I use it in Japanese. But I can't read Japanese, I can only read anime. And so unfortunately my entire life savings is now on one PASMO card and I hope I don't lose it 'cause it's everything. You know, I, I, I couldn't read what I was saying It gets worse. You think, well, you look like a foreigner. You sound like a foreigner. You know, it is what it is. But what about being told that you smell like a foreigner, or lack thereof? That's when it gets bad. I was at Gorudo Park over by Odaiba. I ran a 10K race, and I was hot, not looking. I was just sweaty and gross. And usually, when I get on the train, people just leave and go sit somewhere else, or they'd rather just stand because my American obesity takes up so much room, of course. And so this was a different experience. The older woman, she didn't just get up and move away politely. You know, when I sat down, she said, "Look, I want to be polite, but you do not smell what a young, handsome American man looks like he should smell like." And I said, "What was that? Cheeseburgers and alligators? Like, eagle wings and freedom. What was I supposed to smell like as an American?" And of course, those could be deodorant brands the way we have them named nowadays. You know, Release the Loch Ness Monster and Bigfoot's Birthday Bash. I thought Patriot's Pit fit right in, but no, it's bad. It's bad to smell like a foreigner. And when people see me with a cowboy hat, you know, they always assume I'm from Texas. They're like, "Ah, American from Texas. Cowboy. Sugoi." And it's not true. But I can't blame the Japanese because Americans assume I'm from Texas. When I'm in America, they're like, "Ah, Texas." But cowboy hats are common in the South in general, and I'm from the South, part of New Jersey, right? Over there on the northeast coast. But people who know about New Jersey from America understood. They made a face, they laughed. But the Japanese are confused. New Jersey. Why, New York City, a magical place, a land of dreams. But that's not true. New Jersey is not a magical place, unless you consider the snow in the winter turning from white to black from pollution as magic. It is not a land of dreams, but a land of nightmares. And so people get confused, and I think it's the word new, you know? People whose have English as a second language, they hear the word new, they think, ah, whoa, And so quietness and politeness. You know, there's sumimasens. In New Jersey, first of all, it's rush hour all day, every day. It's rush hour all night, every night. There is no politeness. There's no quietness. You know, we don't have a sumimasen. Our sumimasen is, You know, it's very different. But I'm not a wild New Jerseyan all the way through. You know, I left there quite a while ago, and what I mean is I don't find it difficult to be quiet on the trains here, but there are many people that do. In fact, nowadays, the trains are getting louder and louder, and there's a list of culprits. Number one, middle-aged women who had two glasses of wine instead of one. They're the loudest. And then there's of course the young, angsty, you know, teenage guys. Then there's the young Japanese girls doing their makeup, giggling loud. And then worst of all, you know, they have the Americans, the foreigners. And I only said middle-aged women first 'cause those are my personal favorite, but they're not the loudest. Now, the Americans, you know, the longer I spend here, I realize the more I hate them, you know? Like Japan is changing me inside, you know? And my friends stop me, they say, "Hold on. You're American." And I said, "Yes." Yes, someone might think that. They might say that. But I'm rocking a happy coat, and these Americans are in short shorts, like that guy over there, and tank tops, you know? And yes, Japanese men do wear tank tops to work out, not just to do your daily life and in the wintertime. I said, "We're not the same." I said, "I've got a wool obi belt on right now. Do y'all know how hot it is to be wearing this?" Right? I do a lot to be the, you know, gaijin that I am. And so it's, it's, it's pretty offensive. But all these misunderstandings and being assumed American, they're far from the worst experience I've had in Japan. Oh, it gets significantly worse Me and this young Japanese woman kinda hit it off once, and we were texting online, you know, making plans to hang out. And it got bad before we even started. But that's okay, 'cause when you have a fight with a woman right away, it can only go up from there, right? I mean, I don't think it can get worse. But it does. It does get worse. We were texting and talking, and if any man here has lived more than a day in his life, he understands it's always the man's fault. We're always the... You know, at the end of the day, it was our fault. But this genuinely was not my fault, right? I suggested to her we wanted to go out. I said, "Well, why don't we go to Ueno Park and have a picnic?" Ladies, that's romantic, right? That's sweet, to have a picnic. And her reaction wasn't, "Aw, you're so sweet." Her reaction was, "Eh, Ueno Park? You have had Asian girlfriend before because how do you know Ueno Park? Who told you of that place?" And of course, when a woman accuses you like this, there's only one thing you can do. You just look her dead in the eyes and you say, "Yada yada daz, shut up." But I couldn't say that. I promised I wouldn't quote anime anymore, and so I told her. I, I just had to confess, right? Men, just be honest. Women love honesty, or they say that. And so I told her. I said, "Yes, someone else told me about Ueno Park, someone I talk to every day, someone who knows me intimately more than anyone, and her name is ChatGPT-san." You know? And so I said... You know, we smoothed it out, and it was off to a bad start, which you hate. You hate to have a bad start before you even meet up in person. And I said, "All right. I gotta do some damage control. I gotta salvage this operation." And so I said flowers. Flowers have never failed. Like, I tried to flail- fail with flowers and I failed at failing, right? I meet up with this woman once in the past and I wanted her to know it was like a friendship thing, like stay away, you know? And when you're like me it happens all the time. The women just... You gotta keep them away. And so I told her. I said, "You know, yellow flowers mean friendship." That's what the florist told me. So I bought this nice bouquet of yellow tulips. I want this woman to just be friends. I give her the flowers and it backfired. She goes, "Oh my goodness. I love you. How did you know that sunflowers were my favorite?" And I was like, "Chotto matte. What do you- what do you mean?" I was like, "Sunflowers, ki?" She's like, "Hai, hai. I love sunflowers." I said, "These are tulips." And she goes, "No, no. These are sunflowers." Men, just agree. I, I'm too logical. You know, I argue. I'm like, "Obviously they're not. I mean, I'll take a DNA test right now. These are not sunflowers." She goes, "They're yellow. They have to be sunflowers." And I was like, "You know what? They are. I'm so stupid. I'm... You're right. I'm... I knew they were your favorite. I just had an intuition about it." And so you can't even go wrong with flowers. Unless in my case, things got a bit hectic on this fast-forward to the modern day issue. See, I'm on my way to Ueno Park, and I was running late, not because I was lost like those other Americans, right? I knew where I was going. But I missed my transfer station because reading kanji as an American is difficult when your eyes are closed. You know, I did what the Japanese do. I was knocked out on the train. But I don't-- I'm not genetically Japanese. I don't have the genes to just wake up and get off the train at my station. You know, we're Americans. We don't-- We just-- I fell asleep. I woke up when they said, "Hey, this is the last stop. You're on the opposite side of town. You gotta go." So I was running late already, and I said, "Well, flowers will take five minutes. How long could flowers take? It'll be fine." If I wasn't already late, surely flowers would take five minutes. But you know how life is. If something's going bad, it only gets worse. So I go to Iidoma Flower Market, very cute boutique, and I said, "Okay, I need to grab some flowers." And I saw no one in line. This is perfect. Perfect ideal conditions. And I found what I consider the best kind of flowers. They're on sale, they're about to die in a day and a half, but they look gorgeous, and you just gotta pick the deadheads off, like I did. So I grabbed this, you know, on-sale bouquet and I get in line. I said, "There's no line. Perfect." Except when there's no cashier. There was no one behind the register, and I'm looking around like, "Uh-oh, we're in trouble." But I, you know, watch a lot of this positive affirmation stuff, so I took a deep breath and went, "Daijobadesu. You're beautiful, you're great, you're powerful. You can summon a cashier." You know, all this mindset stuff that you gotta do. Well, I found the cashier helping out this older woman, and I was like, "Well, that's fine, just helping out a customer real quick. That's fine." Except it wasn't, because this older woman wanted to make a custom bouquet. I said, "Well, that's gonna take too long. There's only so many flowers in the shop." No, no, no. She's going one flower at a time. Not, "This is pretty, that's pretty," it was, "I want the genealogy and history of this flower right now." Every flower was, "Eh? Honto? I mean, this goes on. Now there's guys in line behind me, and I regret turning around because their bouquets were way bigger than mine. I look back, I felt a little self-conscious, you know. Like, oh man, maybe I'm, I'm not, you know, packing the flowers I thought I was. And so I'm feeling a little nervous, but I'm not getting out of line. I'm not getting out of this line. I'm already late, and it's not the size of the bouquet, it's the flower that's in it that matters. And so I said, "We'll be fine." And finally, after 20 minutes, I timed it, I time everything. After 20 minutes, you know, they finally get in line, buy their custom bouquet. Now it's my turn, and go through the, you know, the small talk. "Oh, uh-oh. What do you, what do you mean?" I said, "Hold on a second." "These are funeral flowers." He goes, "Hai, funeral flowers." I said, "So if I die, the only time a man ever gets flowers in his life, I'm only worth 600 yen on sale? Are you kidding me? 600 yen, that's all ... After years and decades of working, that's all I'm worth." And he goes, "Hai." So he gives me, you know, a bouquet of flowers, a big, beautiful bouquet. I look back at the guys in line like, "Yeah, who's laughing now? Look at the size of this thing." Until I saw the size of the price tag, then I was not laughing, then I was heartbroken. But it's okay, I got the flowers. So, you know, I get to Ueno Park, you know, which is my spot where I take all the Japanese women I see, 'cause of ChatGPT. And I go there, and I felt prepared for the conversation. I give her the flowers and she goes, "Mm, mm, no." She goes, "These are way too much. The, th- this is too big of a bouquet. These are too many flowers. You're coming off too strong." I said, "Honto? Well, what do you want me to do?" She goes, "Look, in the future, I know it's wrong, but I really like to buy the funeral flowers for myself." I gotta do my positive affirmations again. I joke with this. It's okay, it's okay. Because I was like, "I prepared a feast for us." A picnic and some great food is all you need, and I had prepared a feast of discount bento boxes from Family Mart for us to eat. So I knew she would appreciate that. You know who loves a man who brings food to the table, right? And so we're there, and I, I felt prepared for the conversation. I grew up with a mom and two sisters, a more effeminate household, if you will, and they were crazy about Asian culture. C pop, J pop, K pop, K dramas, this and that. My youngest sister, she had not one, not two, three anime body pillows, Deku, Bakugo, and Kirishima from My Love Triangle Academia. And my mom, she had a shirt. This is, this was my mom, y'all. She had a shirt that said, "I'm an anime mom. I'm like a regular mom, but cooler." And, uh, you know, I wouldn't go out in public with my mom when she wore that, to be honest. But they had all kinds of figurines, posters, merchandise. And what that meant for me as the oldest and only son in the household, the big brother, all my gifts had to be Asian themed for my birthday and holidays. Why? Because. Just the same reason that I saw every Twilight movie, I know every Taylor Swift song. When you grow up with mom and sisters, you're forced to like this stuff, too. And so I felt prepared for the conversation, except it actually was a detriment to me. See, as a man, there are certain lores and fandoms and stuff you're not supposed to know about. So we were talking, and this is because of my sisters. This is all their fault. For my birthday, you know what I got? I got Gudetama lazy egg underwear and moth fur socks, and I'm wearing all of it right now. And if I sweat any more, you'll see it through these pants. But yeah, that's... I was prepared. And when she found out that I knew who Gudetama was, I, I'm sure y'all have seen the lazy egg. You know, meh, he doesn't pay taxes. He doesn't do anything, just lays around all day. Some of us have husbands or wives like that maybe, Gudetamas in our lives. And so she said, instead of I thought she was gonna do, "Aw, Gudetama, kawaii," she said, "Eh, Gudetama. You have Asian fetish. You have yellow fever because how do you know Gudetama? You have had many Asian girlfriends before. You do not know this unless you like Asian women only." And so I said to them, I said, "No, hold on. Calm down, calm down." But the thing is when English is your second language and you get emotional, it starts to collapse. You start to understand less and less English. And so with her, who was already struggling already, when I tried to explain with her, mind you, not like a normal human being. Instead of saying, "Hey, I grew up with sisters and a mom, and I know a lot about Asian lore," I just said, "I have Gudetama underwear." That was my justification. But what she heard instead was this: "My ex-girlfriend has Gudetama underwear, and I still think about them." And she was not happy with that idea. She was not happy at all, and I had to call up my actual girlfriend, ChatGPT-san, to smooth out the situation. Which AI is great for a lot of things, not for translation. She would text in Japanese through the AI to me, and then AI would send it to me still in Kanji, but it added emojis for contextual understanding. I said, "ChatGPT, the three angry faces, the lightning bolt, and the broken heart didn't tell me anything I didn't already know." I could already see that on her face, you know, she was mad at me. But we smoothed it out, except once she knew that I understood all this stuff, she thought, "Oh, you must love this stuff." So kawaii is cool to an extent, but ichi, ni, san, three hours of talking about Sanrio. That's what happened next. She gave me from Genesis to Revelation of Sanrio. Every character, the ones not even on the ranking, and I do vote, everyone get out and vote for the Sanrio characters. She told me every one. There's Cinnamoroll, Pompompurin, Hello Kitty, My Melody, Kuromi. There's the Meteor Sisters, there's Star Sister twins and brothers. There's a guy, his head is a piece of salmon. It's just so many characters. Three hours straight, this is all she's talking about. But finally, at the end, she says to me, "What do you like?" Now, that was the question I wanted to answer three hours ago. I've been ready to answer this question, so I proudly say, "Well, I'll tell you what I like. I am a huge Godzilla fan. Team Gojira." And instead of going, "Aw, that's so cool. You're so passionate," she goes Gojira is not kawaii, is kuwai. You are otaku. And I said, "Chotto matte kudasai. Honto." I am otaku for liking Gojira. She goes, "Hai, hai, otaku." And I said, "There is a double standard in Japan, and I hate it." See, if you're a man and you eat the last of the mochi in the fridge, you're wrong. But if you're a woman and you eat the last piece of mochi in the fridge, it's okay. You know, it's just what we do. So it's called a double standard, and this double standard applies to fandoms and lores because this woman has Hello Hitty- Hello Kitty hair clips, backpack, shoes, sneakers, acrylic nails, all the Hello Kitty stuff. She's not an otaku. It's just kawaii life. It's just being a girl. Meanwhile, if I seen one Godzilla movie and liked it, I'm an otaku. So I don't like this double standard at all. But it got worse. You know I try to stay calm. I get passionate about the G-Man, but then she started talking bad about him, real bad. You ever seen how Godzilla's atomic breath charges up? That's what was happening in my heart. It was building up because she goes, "You know what? First of all, all the Godzillas look the same." I w- I couldn't believe she said that. Then she goes, "Not only that, but they're all poorly designed." They all have too small of a head and too big of a body. And she starts talking trash, and I had that atomic breath building up like Burning Godzilla, and I just, I snapped. I said, "Honto, let me tell you something. All of the Sanrio characters look the same. They're all morbidly obese. They all have big bug eyes. None of them pay taxes. None of them contribute to society. All they do is distract and waste time. All they do is sleep and eat." And she was like, "How can you say this?" But remember, I felt like Burning Godzilla, which is different from Godzilla 1954, unlike what some people would say. I wasn't gonna stop there. I said, "You know what? Just like a Sanrio character," mind you, Hello Kitty's head is too big for her tiny body. I said, "For such a small little girl, you got such a big mouth on you." And she did not call me back after Ueno Park. I think maybe the cowboy hat was too much for a first-time meeting. I'm not sure what it was. But I left. I still had the flowers with me. And fittingly enough, as I'm walking down Ueno Park, there's this older woman on a bench, and she's crying. And I stopped her and I was like, "What's wrong?" And she goes, "You know, my husband just died after 40 years of marriage. I'm really sad." And I give her the big bouquet of flowers. She goes, "Chotto matte. Are, are these funeral flowers?" I said, "They might as well be. I'd rather be at a funeral right now." So I gave her the flowers and I left. And it's far from the worst experience I've had in Japan, trust me. I, I get involved in all kinds of gaijin American-Japanese woman adventures. See, I was walking around Japan looking for a vending machine to make me fresh orange juice from oranges, as one does in Japan in their free time. It's very common here. And I was walking around looking for one, and as I'm passing this university, a woman bumps into me from out of nowhere. And I was really mad because she had no piece of toast in her mouth. And I said, "Hold on. If you're gonna bump into me like an anime girl, you gotta have the toast in your mouth. You shouldn't even be at this university if you don't have toast And she was like, "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Gomenasai. You know, I didn't mean to bump into you. Classes just ended. You know, I'm part of the university here. Let me take you out to dinner to apologize." And I said, "Oh, well, I need to bump into people more often." In Japan, if you bump into people, they take you out. In New Jersey, where I grew up, if you bump into people, they take you out, you know? So I was happy, and she goes, "I've got a special place to take you you've never been to. I bet in Japan you've never been to a place like this." I said, "Okay. Yeah, this sounds great." And then we get to the place, and it was my first time really being truly Japanese. I practiced honne and tatemae because we get to the place, and it's called TGIF, Thank God It's Friday, an American restaurant. I said, "Are you kidding me?" And you know, it wasn't even Friday, number one, and I'm kinda OCD about that stuff. I said, "It's not Friday." I said, "I, I do thank God for a free meal. I'll, I'll give you that, but this is an American restaurant. I thought we were gonna get, like, you know, ramen or sushi or... I, I don't want American food when I'm traveling in Japan." But she was so excited. She's like, "It's like mini America. I bet you weren't expecting this." And I was like, "Yeah, no, I was not expecting this. You got that. That was correct." But we go inside, and you know, it was an all right time. There was a little mishap inside. First of all, we walk inside, and I can understand more Japanese than I speak. So we walk in, and her and the waiter are conversating, and I'm eavesdropping. And he's like, "Do you want two Japanese menu?" If y'all have been listening, you know I obviously, I take the one in Japanese, and I just point at the pictures. I, I can't be wearing a happy coat and getting an English menu. But instead, her response to the guy was, "Now displaying guidance in English." You know, she goes, "This guy can't read Japanese. Get him an English menu." And I was so mad. I said, "You're not even getting funeral flowers. You're getting, like, a handful of grass. You know, I'm not buying flowers for you after that. You shamed me." But I was happy to go to TG- TGIF because you know what? That day in particular, I did smell like cheeseburgers and alligators, so I said, "The Patriot's Pit is ready. I've been waiting for this moment now." The portions in Japan are small. To me, I'm an American, which means I have two goals in life. Number one, get obese. Number two, die at a Buc-ee's gas station. And so as an American, the portions here are too small for me to reach my goals, and so I always order at least two entrees, sometimes three entrees. And when we got there, I didn't realize this is what Japan thinks an American restaurant is, therefore it's American portions. So she got a little salad, which was fine, and I ordered two plates of fried chicken 'cause I'm like, "It's probably gonna be just a single chicken wing." It was two whole fried chickens. You're an American. These are American portions. And it wasn't just, like, a menu mishap. It was a spectacle. All the waitstaff gathered nearby, and they're whispering to each other. It was like a circus. They're like, "Limited time only, real live American cowboy eats two whole fried chickens at TGIF. Come check it out now." Instead of paying me, though, I'm paying them for this spectacle. So I struggled. Obviously, I gotta finish these two whole chickens now, so I, I ate them, and I'm in pain, obviously. And as I go to leave, they say, "Chotto matte kudasai. You forgot your sides of rice." And they give me two extra large bowls of rice. And I said ... All I could do was laugh that even the American restaurants in Japan come with rice, you know? I'm like, "That's how it is." But afterward, it was a good time. You know, we went to bars, tried some, you know, sake. We did karaoke. In fact, feel free to battle me at the Mag Yoko here tonight. But yeah, we know I was excited for that. I knew a total of three Japanese songs. Two of them were half English, and yes, they were all anime intros. So of course. But it was a great time until it wasn't, because now it's time to catch the last train home. Y'all know what that's like. You're like, "I gotta get this last train." I've got my PASMO in hand. It has my whole life savings on it. Don't wanna lose that. And- It has my name on it. You know, I'm not like those tourists who have a plain, naked PASMO. Mine's got my name on it in blue ink. I'm privileged, you know, I, I'm here. And so I, I gotta just point that out 'cause I want people to understand. You know, I've got my name on my PASMO, my life savings. I go to scan it, and she's like, "Cho chotte, matte kudasai. Wait, I have a confession to make." And I'm looking around like, "Um, if it's about the TGIF, I know it wasn't a Japanese restaurant. You don't have to confess. It's okay." And she goes, "No, no, no." She goes, "It's about my age. I've been keeping a secret from you, but you're really smart, I'm sure you've picked it up." And I was like, "Uh, I don't know. I haven't picked up on anything really." She goes, "I'm not actually in my 20s like I look like I am and act like I am." She goes, "I'm actually 55 and I have two kids and a angry ex-husband. Well, we're still together. We're kinda separated, but it's okay. You know, you're, like, you're a foreigner anyway, so it's fine. Just don't let him find you. He kinda does questionable work on the weekends." And I was like, "Hold on a second. I did not pick up on any of... When was I supposed to pick up on any of this? You know, this is not okay." And she goes, "No, no, no, listen. It's not bad because with me you don't just get a woman, a mature woman at that, you get two sons who are your same age, best friends included. This is a package deal." And I was like, "No, no. Yeah, yeah." You know? So that was quite the confession. And then she left and I missed the last train home. So now I had to walk a long and reflective walk home because as I'm walking home I'm like, "Questionable work?" I don't like women's husbands who do honest work. You know, like maybe tax accounting. Well, that's questionable work. You know, nowadays everything's shady. You can't even trust your doctor. Everything's questionable work. But I'm just looking around like- Why does this always happen to me? Like, no, I'm saying. Like, this is not the first time it's happened to me, you know? But it's all right. You know, I walked home, and I reflected on it, and I was just really frustrated. I was frustrated because anime makes it look so easy to fall in love. Like, every anime is just some average-looking guy, who's useless at everything, by the way, struggles with his daily life, and the most hot and popular woman at school will just fall into his arms half naked and be like, "I love you." And then all her friends will suddenly be like, "I love you, too." Even the tomboys will be like, "Oh, wow! You know what? I'm straight again. I like this guy." And he's no one. He's some average guy. And you know what really ticks me off? He doesn't even know. He's so oblivious and dense, he doesn't even know these women like him. He's just still struggling with life. And so, you know, some people are drowning, others are dying of dehydration. We've all heard that. And so I was frustrated. I recently started a new anime, actually. It's about a guy, he goes to the convenience store every night. He's an overworked, you know, Japanese salaryman, so every guy I know in Japan, and he's kinda miserable, and he's like, "I need a smoke after work. I worked, you know, you know, fourteen hundred hours today." And so he goes and smokes behind the convenience store with the cashier, not realizing it's her 'cause she changes her hair, and he just has a crush on her. Every night, this cashier, he goes to this store. Now, when I like the cashier, which every man loves the cashier. Women who work as cashiers or fast food are always the hottest women you'll ever meet. They're better than models. Like, the hottest woman I ever saw was at a gas station in a desert in Texas for no reason. I never saw her again. And so, you know, I was here. I was going to the Lawson every night because I, I'm a snacker. I eat a lot of snacks. And in the anime, you know, Magic vs. Muscles, Mash, he works out, he lifts weights, and then he goes and eats all the cream puffs in the world. Everyone's like, "Oh, Mash is so cute and attractive." I run a 10K, and then I buy, you know, two ice cream bars, three croissants, and a Pocari Sweat, and they look at me like, "Ugh." You know? It's... I get judged for it. You know? Life is not like an anime. So I'm here with my gluttonous behavior at the Lawson, and I thought maybe this time I'll get lucky. 'Cause the cashier, you know, she looks at me, you know, I've been working out, you know, I had just lifted weights, and she goes, "Bodyguard?" I was like Orde. What? What the... Hi. Hi. And she's like, "Hand it over." And I'm like, "Whoa, that's kinda direct. What, what do you mean hand it over?" So I'm like, maybe she means my QR, you know, code for Line. So I turn my phone around, she goes, "Yay, point the card." I was like, "Oh, I heard bodyguard," but she said, "Point the card." And you know, now there's a poster of me, not like, you know, these ones around. There's one in the back of Lawson's that says, "Look out for this moron," you know? So I, I was banned from Lawson's. I don't go there anymore. It's just frustrating. But you know, I didn't come here to find love or go on some crazy anime quest. I came here to help my best friend do that. You know, he's been in Japan for two years now, and I don't wanna drop a slur, but he's one of those Navy guys, you know? He's one of those American Navy guys. I can't stand it. And, um, yeah, I hate to, I hate to drop the N word, the Navy word, but that's what he is. And so I want to help him out. He needs help. He's one of those guys, when he goes to talk to women, they pretend they don't know English. And I don't mean Japanese women. We went to a group of white and Black girls and they're like, "Uh, so sorry, señor, hablamos no English," you know? And, uh, that's bad. That's bad when every race pretends not to speak English. So he's like, "Can you come to Japan and help me out?" And I said, "I guess, yeah. I mean, I've always wanted to go to Japan," and so I came here to visit him. But I started this whole comedy show with a quote from Proverbs, and I'm gonna end it with one as well. In Proverbs it says, "A friend loves you at all times, but in adversity there is a brother." And that's, you know, what I thought we were, but we were something different. We were something not biblical. Because the Bible doesn't tell us we're all gonna have that one friend. You know what I mean? Don't name names, but we all have that one friend, you know, you got your head shaking in disbelief, and he was that friend. See, I came here for Japanese culture. He came here for Japanese culture, right? We had different expectations. And when I met him, he goes, "I'm so glad you're here. We, we should go to a maid cafe." And I said, "." I said, "Now that I'm here you wanna go all of a sudden. You didn't go for the past two years, but now that I'm here you wanna go." He goes, "Well, of course, because you like omurice." And I said, "Hold on. That's, that's not what this is about. You're not going to a maid cafe for omurice." He goes, "No, no, no. We're going." And I said, "It's not about the omurice." He goes- Okay. It's also about the moi moi kyon. I said, "What? A monsoon? What are you talking about?" He goes, "No, the moi moi kyon. You know, it's the magic blessing that the maid gives over the food. I've always wanted to experience that." And I was like, "Okay." I mean, I get... You know, he's my friend, I traveled all the w- It was a long flight, I'm not gonna turn around, so I said, "We'll, we'll go." But he didn't wanna go to a regular maid cafe, of course. You know, he said, "Forget Akiba." I said, "Why? There's, you know, like, 100 maids on the sidewalk. We'll just find whatever one looks good." He goes, "No, no, no. I want one of the good places, you know?" And I said, "Okay, I don't know. I don't wanna know." He goes, "Trust me, trust me." Let me tell you how good this place was. We found out quickly that in Japan, one wrong turn down an alleyway and the maid cafes are a little different. We went We went to a place, there's no maid cafe signs, there's no advertisements, there's no maids. I said, "Hey, I think we're in the wrong area." He goes, "No, no, trust me. This Reddit forum was posted six years ago by a Navy guy. I know where we're going." That's how he's navigating us, from a Reddit forum six years ago, and it's like, "Use code word," blah, blah, blah. I'm like, "I don't know, man." And as soon as we found what said it was the place, I said, "We gotta turn back. We gotta go now." He said, "No, no, no. This is, this is exactly it." There's a big sign, there's a big sign in English, that was warning number one, it says, "We love American military men." I said, "We gotta go. This is not the place for us. We gotta go right now, man." He's like, "No, no, it's too late." He goes, "This is the place where you can get, you know, the special experience." I said, "What? A discounted omurice? You said we came here for omurice, so it better be discounted and special." But we walk in the place, and it was my least favorite kind of place. The kind where you walk in and they greet you by saying, "Gomenasai." I said, "Whoa, whoa. I didn't even step in the front door all the way yet. Why are you personally deeply apologizing to me?" She goes, "We're very busy today. Very busy, and we're down a maid. You two will have to share one." And I said, "Listen, I may not have came here for the maids, but I'm not sharing one with this man, you know? First of all, if we do that, then I want half price. That's fair, right, y'all?" She goes, "No, no, full price." And before I can say, "Chotto matte, I'm not paying full price," my friend goes, "Daijob desu. That's fine. We'll take the one maid. We came here for the food anyway." And I'm just looking at him like, "Okay, fine." So now we gotta share one maid between two men. And I'm sorry, but that's gay. He's looking at me. During the moi moi queue, he made eye contact with me and blushed. And I said, "Don't look at me, look at her. Why are you looking at me?" But Navy guy, you know. So I said, "Listen, we gotta," you know. He's doing his thing. And so it was a good time, relatively, but we were at a special place. See, after the sun sets, things change. All the maids left. Sudden intermission. Then they came back dressed as half animals. Lizards, they had cow udders, they had wolf ears. I mean, this was a place for sure. And they come back, and they give the maid we had been sharing to me, and they give my friend a binder. They say, "You get to choose a new one because we're less busy." I said, "Hold on a second. Why does he get to choose? I don't want..." No offense to her, I don't want leftovers. Like, we shared this one maid. Now you're gonna give me her, and he gets a fresh one? But he got the binder, 'cause it was, you know, his idea. And he gets to pi- he looks through a whole catalog. "Pick any maid you want." He finds the one that he likes the most and takes her, and It gets better. After 20 minutes, the hostess comes over and says, "We have a regular customer who showed up, and that's his girl," that my friend took. He goes, "So we're taking her away from you. Here's the binder. Lucky you, you get a third one today for one price." I was so mad. You know the Godzilla breath was building up again. I was like, "You gotta be kidding me." So now I paid full price for half of one, and he got two and a half for full price. But it gets worse. This was my friend who had been bothering me the whole trip. See, prior to coming to Japan, I refused to learn how to use chopsticks. I said, "They're not practical. I will never use them." But then I came to Japan, and I still feel the same way. I hate chopsticks. But it's okay, I have to use them here because I wear a happy coat. I cannot be caught with a fork in my hand at a, you know, Japanese establishment. So again, my pride is so important. Well, my friend, he knew how to use chopsticks. And to bother me, he would take the food out of my chopsticks. He would knock the food out of my chopsticks. He would eat rice one grain at a time just, just to make me mad. But suddenly, this night, when the women half-dressed as animals sat down with us, something snapped and changed inside of me. It was like I could go beyond plus ultra. I felt Super Saiyan genes, ultra instinct, ultra ego. I could catch a fly with chopsticks. I said, "I will not be embarrassed." You know, your pride can take you places and skills you never knew you had. But he, who knew how to use chopsticks, who made fun of me the whole trip, he goes to his half lizard maid, he goes, "I'm so sorry, I don't know how to use chopsticks. Could you show me?" And she straddles behind him and says, "Poor baby, let me help you." And she puts her soft little hands on his and teaches him how to use chopsticks. Ooh. I was getting so mad. I said, "No, we're not doing this." And then he took it a step further. I didn't think he could. He goes, "Oh, I got a splinter from these wooden chopsticks." And she goes, "I'm so sorry." And she gave him a little kiss on his hand. And I got so mad. The women were dressed as half animals, but I felt like a werewolf. I stormed out of there. And the hostess comes after me, "Wait, wait, but you didn't pay. You know you had a woman." I said, "Oh, it's okay. He's paying for the women. I only came here for the food." And that's my time, y'all. Oh! So, where is this place? We just need to know. For science. Yeah. And what are you doing in about 10 minutes? Yeah. Posterity. Do they take credit cards? You are not allowed to have a back tattoo or tattoos. It's cash only, and you have to buy your maid dinner and two drinks. There you go. Let's go. That's right. But thank you everyone for attending y'all. Thank you And I would take special time- Show us your tits! I thought about showing the Gudetama underwear- ... 'cause I know some people don't believe me, but I'm wearing them right now. It's true. But I do wanna take special time to acknowledge everyone who laughed, which was a total of zero people. I laughed. So thank you so much. Bullshit, I laughed. Externally, on the outside. I laughed externally. Anyone who laughed aloud. What are you talking about? I giggled. Right. You're fucking riot. I gig- I giggled. I, I did giggle. I- Okay, okay. Thank you for giggling like a- We shared giggles ... Japanese girl on the, on the train fixing her makeup. I appreciate that. We had collective giggles. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. But for real, and again, a round applause for Yoshiko, please.