Mental Health Healing: Surviving Cyberbullying, Childhood Wounds, And Identity Damage

Today, I sit down with Justine Rodes, the host of the Mentally A Badass Podcast and a mental health advocate whose mission is rooted in surviving years of bullying, emotional instability at home, and the long-term psychological effects of childhood trauma. In this episode, I explore Ms. Rodes’ earliest memories of being bullied — beginning at nine years old — and how words like “stupid,” “ugly,” and “weird” shaped her self-image for decades. We talk about how these labels form core beliefs, how bullying becomes ingrained into a child’s identity, and how those wounds often follow people into adulthood even after the environment changes. 

As we continue the conversation, Ms. Rodes walks me through the experiences that pushed her into self-harm, suicidal ideation, and eventually seeking help. She explains the impact of growing up in a household without emotional regulation, with a mentally ill parent and a sibling who often mirrored the same patterns she saw in school. We discuss what it means to re-parent yourself, how neuroplasticity helps you rewire trauma responses, and why healing often starts with understanding your patterns instead of blaming yourself for them. Her journey into therapy, receiving a bipolar II diagnosis, and beginning a long-term recovery process shows just how much hope exists even in the moments that feel the darkest. 

We then break down the rise of cyberbullying and how anonymous online hate can be just as damaging as in-person abuse. Ms. Rodes shares stories of receiving anonymous messages telling her to kill herself, being targeted on forums, and having her high school insecurities reinforced by the cruelty of the internet. We talk about how social media gives both bullies and advocates a platform — and why understanding this duality is important for mental health, suicide prevention, and self-worth today. We also discuss her experience with toxic college roommates and how unresolved trauma often reenacts itself in adulthood through passive-aggressive behavior, exclusion, and emotional manipulation. 

Finally, we explore the creation of the Mentally A Badass brand — a community and clothing line rooted in dark humor, vulnerability, and emotional honesty. Ms. Rhodes explains how social media became a tool for healing, how her reels began resonating with people, and why she felt called to amplify trauma stories through her podcast.

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Transcript

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to another episode of cup of nukes as always. I'm your host. Mr. Whiskey, and I still have a bit of a cold the weather drops from 70 to 30 here in Georgia, and I think that may be Influencing it. So I apologize for the if you can hear my nose is stuffed and it's it's not a good time but  we are going to be talking today about bowling and In all kinds both cyber bowling and in person and just the impact it can have, you know They always said that sticks and stones may break my bones, but words mean nothing.

It's quite the opposite. Words do cause quite the damage. In fact, we see more people dying from suicide than regular incidents, almost, in terms of words can, can kill. Words can hurt. We've seen such a rise over the past two decades, really, of self harm and suicide. I You know, I've been on shows guesting about suicide in children from ages 8 to 25, and it's, the numbers are awful.

They've almost doubled, and even more. And, as I studied, for every successful attempt, which I don't even want to call it successful because that puts it in a positive connotation, which it's not, there are about 200 or so failed attempts. So, whether that's self harm or an attempted suicide that failed for a variety of means.

So, The world can be a really  cruel place, a very cruel place. And so we're going to discuss today ways to handle that, to deal with the mental health and the toll of damage from other people. And also, hopefully, you'll learn not to be a bully if you already are one. I encourage you not to be. But we are here with Justine Rhodes.

She experienced everything I just talked about. She Was bullied and to the point of mental health issues, including self harm and suicidal ideation And I don't even like to say mental health issues because it sounds like there's something wrong with her and there's not there are So many people being bullied out there and really the issue is with the bully themselves, which we'll get into that Including the power of online anonymity.

So Justine, would you please tell us a little bit more about this and introduce yourself for us?  Yeah, thank you so much. I really appreciate that introduction. You've really nailed on a lot of amazing points of what's currently happening, um, in the world of mental health. And I like when you said that you didn't like saying mental health issues.

I personally like to say mental health. Challenges meaning that we know it can be challenging, but it's not like oh, it's wrong. It's bad, right? Um, so I just want to just say that and I appreciate that But yes, my name is justine and I am the host of mentally a badass podcast also the founder of the  Brands.

Um, we have the podcast as well as our clothing line and we have an Instagram account that's filled with, uh, reels for entertainment and for, um, community and such, and I've recently just opened up a. a Facebook for, um, our community. But yes, I've been, um, dedicating a lot of my time to mental health advocacy since I was 17 years old.

I went to school for psychology and so I have a BA in psychology. I was going to be a therapist, but at that time, I still wasn't fully there and really mentally stable because I feel like if I listen to other people's problems, I probably will cry with them. So I wasn't in that bright state of mind. So I didn't want to get my masters and be in debt when I wasn't ready.

So, um, I decided, so basically the way my life Turned is um, I actually after college did the disney college program and then went more in towards into like marketing and  and guest service and such Um, but I recently just left that right now. I currently do social media marketing and of course the mentally a badass Brands, and so i'm very grateful that we have social media because I wouldn't be able to do what I do today so At that time when I wanted to be a therapist, we didn't have what we have now, they were podcasts, but they weren't really spoken about and there wasn't, I mean, we had an Instagram of course, but it wasn't, it didn't have the same type of impact like it does today.

So yeah, so absolutely grateful for that. So this is, um, what I do majority of my day and it's very rewarding.  Yeah. You just touched upon something we discussed quite a bit on the show, which is That technology is a tool like anything can be used for good or evil and so There's a lot more there are a lot more platforms out there for bullying to happen for hate for perversion for all of that But there are also so many more platforms out there providing self improvement life advice, whatever it may be Or even just more comedy shows for people to escape and you know kind of forget about the world for a while which I recommend doing in a balance, you know, there is a balance to be had because Like you said, um, we need to work on ourselves as well and we can't just escape and comedy is just one example But you know that other people use alcohol drugs, whatever substance it is and it can get pretty bad and I appreciate You recognizing in having that self awareness to know that you weren't at a good place to be helping others Because I think there are a lot of people who  are hurt and traumatized, and so they want to prevent that from happening to other people, which is a great thing.

I'm not knocking that at all. I love that passion, and that heart, and that empathy. But I agree that you have to be healed to some capacity, and I think that ties directly into podcasting with the fact that anyone can start a podcast, whether they're ready or not. So I think it's always important to really analyze ourselves and put the brakes on sometimes and see where we're at.

Now, you mentioned Transcribed What you're doing nowadays with the podcast and the Facebook group, but I know you also have Start day one, which is a mental health nonprofit. Is that founded by you or is that just one that you support?  Oh It's when I support. Um, I my friend is the founder  Okay. Awesome.

Yeah, I was just wondering how involved you were with that because I know that's also on your link tree  Yes, I recently just put that there actually so I've known the founder for since I actually I Started the podcast. He was a guest years back and we talked about his nonprofit, but he recently reached out to me and asked if I wanted to support his, um, his campaign.

So basically his idea is, um, he wants to support mental health podcasters, um, to be able to provide them the resources, um, to expand. So if they want to do like workshops or travel here to do that or, um, so pretty much anyone who donates to it, they're supporting that movement, but his whole idea of his, um,  His non profit is focusing on preventing versus waiting until someone has like a suicide attempt.

So yeah, it's really awesome what he's doing.  Right that actually ties directly into what we're talking about Which is you know, all the resources out there including mental health podcast So to support that is great because a lot of people have you know a great show and they have a You know variety of different resources for mental health but again to Do podcasting full time to have the income to spread it to all the people Uh, you know, it can be difficult.

So I think that's a great organization to support And I I completely agree, but before you had a podcast and you were doing that you talked about being bullied in school So if you could get into the details of what that looked like, we know bullying comes in a variety of different ways For you personally, what was that experience?

 Yeah, so it started when I was a child, um, mostly at school, but also at home. But I'll get into the school part first. So it started when I was in third grade. So I was nine years old. I went into, I was a new kid at a school. I was in a private Catholic school and this, the girl who was my bully, I used to be, I was like best friends with her at first, like we'll have sleepovers.

I was very happy. I was like, yes, this is going to be great. I have all these friends, but then she turned on me. And at that time, I didn't, as a child, I didn't understand why she hated me. And that got me wondering. Um, and then I think what we mean, like understanding now is I was also friends with her friends.

So, you know, naturally when you're friends with one person, you're gonna be friends with the other person. It's a small classroom. It's like 30 people. And, but I guess from what I'm learning now is that. that bully was territorial. So they're probably like, Oh, why? Like, I don't like how she's your friend.

She's my friend. So and I know it kind of sounds really like child. I mean, there are child. So obviously it's childish. But I know it sounds like typical elementary such but also  You know, it's not when it really truly affects you. And I'm telling my story today as a 29 year old. And, um, I can't wait to talk about how bullying affects your identity so much.

So when I was nine years old, you know, your brain is developing. Your brain is literally, um, taking in. Everything that is around. So when you're constantly told something right, and it's still in my brain is, um, they will always call me stupid, ugly and weird. And you know, that is stuck with me if I remember this exact three words that I kept constantly being called, right?

So since people call me stupid,  So since I was being called stupid, then my grades were not doing that great because I had a belief that I was stupid, but I wasn't. I have ADHD, which was undiagnosed then. So my learning style is different from people who don't have a neurodivergent brain. But of course, around that time, they don't, the school system, I mean, till today, the school system's not really built for people who are neurodivergent.

But, um, so yeah, so that, basically they're calling me stupid because of my neurodivergent brain, which obviously, you know, we didn't have education on that, then they'll call me weird because I don't know, I guess I'm my personality. I am. I mean, honestly, being weird now is a good thing, in my opinion, it's my personality, like I show my awareness, like on my brand people, you know, the right people would be attracted to it.

And then the people like, so, but yeah, and then ugly was like, they would think I'm ugly. And then you know, what's crazy is I truly, truly, truly believe that right. And so every time I was told that I look in the mirror and I would just think I'm so ugly like oh my god My hair is disgusting My eyes grows my glasses, but then now i'm looking at old photos Of myself around that age and i'm like I wasn't ugly at all  I I look at like just  I'm like, what I'm like, I mean, it might obviously the way I think I don't think people I would never think people are ugly.

Everyone's beautiful. But it's just like me just looking at my looks that I'm like,  I really was I it's it's mind blowing because I guess I had like this, like,  like this, like, cognitive distortion of how I looked and such.  But yeah, no, it's it's crazy. And that just shows How, how much those words affected me?

Like you were saying before the whole stakes and stones may bake your bronze, but where's my neighbor hurt you? Like, that's completely like the opposite. So like, I think about it like this, when you're told negative things as a child, you have this whole like negative idea of yourself and that's, and that develops into your core beliefs.

And with my therapist, she said to me, she's like, your core beliefs are technically always going to be there. You just learn how to like.  I guess cope or handle it and just know that like, you know, you hear that voice in your head Be like it's something like you if I mess something up. I'm like, oh my god.

I'm such an idiot You know what? I mean? Like You, you, I, I get hard on myself and I don't realize it. I literally have people telling me like, Justine, like, stop being so hard on yourself. Like, people even know who don't even know me that well, and they call me out on it and I don't even realize it. Right.

So that's when you know that it affected me. If this is starting to be subconscious, you know, and it's hard and I have to pretty much re, I guess.  Um, well, they will say they usually would use the word re apparent, which I can go into my, my, uh, home life soon, but it's like just changing, like pretty much having a completely new brain.

And, um, you may know that like the brain, you can literally.  Like completely change, uh, like rewire your brain, like your brain can literally do that. Um, which is phenomenal because it's like, if you're in a bad position, like, this is why I tell people that how much hope there is. And actually, before we got onto this, I was talking to, I was on this other guy's podcast and he's, um, around his sixties, right.

And he struggles with like depression and his, and anger. and ADHD and his family doesn't think things bad of him, right? So I was listening to him and that just makes me, it made me really sad because during his time he didn't have what we have today. You know, he kept telling me, he's like, I don't know what's wrong with me.

Like, what do I do? What do I do? And it, like I said, it broke my heart because he, his generation didn't want talk about it. Like they would say like, Oh, you're You're seeing but not hurt like that was apparently a saying back in the day and so he's  And he so obviously when we're talking he had a lot of negativity in the conversation Which it didn't like bother me much could I understand because to prep like negativity  comes from depression, but I it just shows that it's gonna take him a lot of a lot of time to To change the way he talks about things and the way you're going to look at things, right?

Like for me, I've worked so hard on the way I look at things in life. And when you change your way of looking at things, it's definitely a huge help. So I think going back to the bullying and I'm going to transition into my home life is that when you're surrounded by all of that, you take all of that as a child and that becomes like your personality in a way.

Um, which is, which is like actually, uh, I'm not gonna say funny, but I have borderline personality disorder as well. Um, so going into like my home life, so I was bullied severely at school, which by the way, it was so bad. I had to leave in fifth grade and transfer to a different school because no one protected me, but that's the whole other thing.

So, um, at home I had a mother, um, that has severe mental illness and Even though she didn't like beat me, her words pretty much beat me, I guess. Um, and so with her and she's in that whole like generation of that other guy that I was talking about is that they don't know how to like handle their emotions.

They don't know how to regulate. So I think about that now and it's like, yeah, if I was a kid, I was being like, especially with someone who has ADHD, you will get naturally frustrated, right? But like, she didn't know all she knew was yelling at a kid, because that apparently was shut them up because her mom did it to her but worse.

So that's what she knew. But as we know, that's Not healthy for the child. Of course, there's a place where you'll naturally have to, I guess, yell and actually did talk with a lady, um, who talks a little bit about mental health and parenting. But if a kid, let's say, spill something on the ground, right? And ruins the carpet. 

Mistakes happen. But when I grew up, I was like, It was like the end of the world. So, pretty much, so, so because of that, you develop these, like, if I make a mistake for anything, I'm automatically assumed that I'm, I go into like a fight or flight, like, oh my god, I'm gonna get yelled at. Like, even when I was working, I used to work at Disney, and I used to do like a call center kind of job, and if I got an email saying, We need like a like to go in for like a meeting, I would automatically assume someone's gonna yell at me.

And but the thing is, like, no, that's, that's not the case. I mean, I think that time I think there was something I technically did wrong. But it wasn't like, oh, there's this like, no, there was just like having a conversation with me like, hey, just be mindful next time. And that's, and that's totally fine. But because of all of my past experiences with people who would just the way they would treat me, like yell at me, call me this, call me that.

And I was so helpless as a child. So, um, yeah. And then also my sister, she is six years older than me. So I was, um, a little something about like, I'm obviously smaller than her. So it's easy for her to bully me. And she also, um,  I, I was born with a cataract in my eye. So my parents naturally were giving me more attention when I have that surgery.

Right? But of course, I know with my sister, they don't think like that. They're like, Oh, well, mom's giving her all like my sister, all this, uh, attention. So ever since then, and still today, actually, I hope you didn't listen to this episode ever. But until today, it's still, it's still there.  I mean, her and I get along way better now.

Like we're like, that's yeah. But if we ever like get into a disagreement, All the stuff just comes up from like 20 years ago. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly. So, uh, but I learned now that my sister, I guess that's kind of like in her poor in her background, like, thinking like, oh, mom loves her more than me. So.

She, since then, since that moment, my sister resented me. So she made sure she made my life a living hell. And that's what she did. So be thinking about going to school, getting bullied from that kid, being everybody hating you and then coming home to that, right? And my mother, who, um, who didn't have emotional intelligence, like, at all, and then my dad, who was never there.

He was always, like, you know, he means well, but he was always, like, working all the time. He provided. But, um, but yeah, he was never really there emotionally. So when I actually was self harming, And got caught when I was a junior in high school. My dad was completely shocked.  It completely caught him off guard.

He was like, I don't understand why you would do something like this. And I said, well, because I guess I felt neglected. I felt like no one loves me. I felt, I hate myself. And, you know, um, But my mom was like, I'm not shocked. I'm like, okay, well,  well, I think it's because like the mental illness runs in the family.

But pretty much all of that bullying that I was, you know, talking to you and feeling so much hate from everybody. I always had mental breakdowns and crying fast of like, why does no one like me? Why does everybody hate me?  And I'm knowing that I can talk about this now without crying shows that I've done a lot for healing because I used to cry about this stuff, but I'm just so thankful and glad that I didn't resort to suicide.

I'm so glad that my mom saw my call for my, basically like my, uh, call for help. Is that what they say? Uh, I guess call for help. Yeah. Uh,  um, then they took me to a psychiatrist and then, oh, cry for help. That's what it is. I, I didn't want to say it because I was like, cry and call are so similar. I was like, I'll just be objective.

It's like, it's cry, it's not call. I was like, same thing. No, I wish you could have told me that because I'm just like, it's not call. In my head, I'm like, no, it's not. Why don't, why can't I find the word for it? Um, for the future, you're more than welcome to, correct me. Yeah, I was like, did she cry for help?

I'm like, yeah. I guess they're kind of the same thing. She,  she's showing she needs help. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, call for help. You think of like, uh, if you get hit by a car, but you know what I mean? But yeah, cry for help. Okay. Cry for help is what I mean. So, um, yeah, so they took me to a psychiatrist and then that's when I was diagnosed with bipolar two.

And I felt a sense of relief. During that session and the reasons because I went through four to five years of thinking what is wrong with me Because of the self harming and I was like, why do I do this? Like why?  I was so angry, right? But that diagnosis meant like  It made so much sense. And so it was basically giving me an opportunity like, okay, now I know what's happening.

Now I can now I can go ahead and start healing and start working on myself, right? So that's when it started, though. The first thing they did was give me meds. Um, that's like naturally the first thing they do. Um, and when they were working, um, which, you know, if they're working, that's when you know, you really act, you have the actual disorder.

But, um, at that time I was like, Oh, I'm feeling good. I don't need to go on these anymore. And that's usually when you, the first time you're on meds. That's the same like mistake that everybody makes is that they're like, Oh, I feel better. We're, we're good. But yeah, that wasn't the case, but, um, I've had, um, once I graduated high school and I got out of like that world where, um, you know, I had, I was bullied there too, but cyber bullying on forum spring, uh, where people would literally, my inbox was blowing up and, um, pretty much kind of going viral in a way.

And I was getting people saying to me, saying the words that I told you, ugly, weird, stupid. So I was like reinforcing my beliefs. Yeah, in high school, which obviously, if you reinforce it, that goes more towards the self harming because I'm truly believing it. And then I would get stuff like, Oh, go kill yourself.

And this and that I was called other things like, Oh, you're such a slut and whatever.  And then one person even wrote a paragraph of how they want me to kill myself, like, people literally took this time. And still today, I'm not gonna know who it is.  I, it's anonymous. So I'm not, I mean, hopefully it wasn't a friend that I have till today, but, um, but yeah, that was, I guess my first experience of cyber bullying.

And, you know, what I did is I pretty sure I probably had moments when I cry just naturally as a teenager, but there was one time I had a lot of, uh, negative comments. And, but I had a sweet 16 to go to that night, so I literally read everything and I closed my laptop and I'm like, all right, time for my fake smile.

Let's go to, let's go dancing.  I, you know, like, I mean, I don't, I don't, um, say, Oh yeah, that's how you handle it. That's not what I would say. I just, I remember that day when I literally just like  closed laptop, but, um, but yeah, so I started my healing journey. As soon as I graduated high school, I got away from my small town, you know, that small town, like toxic vibe.

And, um, I went away to college. I started doing, working out more, having deeper relationships with people. Then I went away to college. Sorry, I did two years in community that I did two years in a traditional four year college. And I actually had bullying there.  That could be a whole other story.  Yeah, yeah.

So I basically around that time, I was, uh, I was triggered. But also at the time, I had a committed relationship with with somebody. So that helped me with my Self esteem could, at least I had a person versus like when I was in high school, I didn't really have that. I was pretty much alone, but, and also I was older then.

So I'm like, okay, I think I can, you know, defend myself. Right. But the thing was with these, with these college roommates is that they weren't directly mean to me. They weren't like, Oh, Justine, you're so ugly. Like they weren't doing things like that. Like it  was more passive aggressive. So,  you know, it's kind of crazy.

It's kind of like the same. Pattern so this girl, I was my first time ever experiencing having roommates. It was an apartment style There's two bedrooms and five girls. So three in one and two in the other And this one yeah  And then but this one girl, um, I knew her already So I was like, yes, at least I know somebody and then this these other girls we all got along So well, like everything was great.

I'm like, oh, I love college, right? And then this one girl just turned on me And I was like, we're not doing this again. Like literally, I'm like 20 years old. I'm like, we are not going down this route again. So I had, I felt that she didn't like me. And I was, because we went from like, Having the whole best friend vibe to like all of a sudden she just turned on me and still today I still don't know what that reason was by the way Um, so yeah, she turned on me and I was like and I I confronted her like nicely and I just said hey Um, i'm feeling that you're upset with me.

That's what I said to her and she's like no i'm not upset with you And I said, okay i'm just I feel like there were some days that we were having fun. We went to a party like We're great and now suddenly you're just ignoring me because there was also even times. Oh my god I'm, like remembering this right now that i'll be sitting in the dining room and then she'll come in I'll say her name and she'll just walk away But it didn't make any sense.

There was no fight. There was nothing and it just  My inner child was screaming Because it was thinking it's going through it again. So I was like Spiraling and honestly, I didn't remember that part until I talked about the story right now with her just completely literally walking away and not even Acknowledging me thing about that now.

And so, um, so yeah, so there was like moments of that and I, I confronted her so many times and just nice to be like, Hey, like, I just feel like you're mad at me. Like you're ignoring me here. And I saw you subtweeted about me. Like there was a, yeah, like I,  I know she subtweeted about me when she was like right next door.

Like I would basically, I was in the kitchen, I was making food. Right. And then, you know, typically when you eat your food, your dishes are in the sink, right. And I usually clean up after. Right. So that was, I think I was making ravioli that day from my memory.  And so the dishes had like, obviously left or a pasta sauce in the pot.

And I mean, you've made obviously pasta before, so you know what that looks like. And yeah, I was going to clean it out there. And then, so she tweets about me saying I'm like a dirty roommate. Right. Or something like how my roommate never does her dishes.  And it was just me and her in the apartment and I was only my stuff in the, so obviously it was about me and like she was right and she knew that I was next door.

So part of me wanted to go into her room and be like, do you want to say it to my face?  Part of me wanted to do that and unfortunately I didn't, but actually it probably was a fortunate thing because it was probably starting to look like a cat fight. But I was trying to You know, keep it, like, pretty much, like, have the emotional intelligence, like, okay,  like, try to think before I act, because, um, part of me, yeah, I really wanted to go at her, trust me, I did, but I just didn't know where it was gonna go, and you never, I don't know her well enough, you know what I mean, like, she can just go into it.

I wouldn't bet money on you, though, if, if you're bipolar, you've got that, like, angrier side in you, I wouldn't bet the money on you winning the fight. Oh, God. Well, I mean, I was also way smaller than her.  It doesn't, it doesn't matter. I know there are weight classes for a reason. I'm just saying I would have bet money on you.

So  I'm not saying I would have won the money, but yeah, honestly, I feel like. I have a theory that she probably was too, just the way, like, like me looking back at it, just her behaviors. Um, okay. So anyway, so that was, that was that. And then there was a, it was like the end of the semester. And, um, I wanted the bathroom to be clean before we go away because it was so gross because no one likes to clean the bathroom, there's five of us.

And I was like, you know what, I'm just gonna obviously be the one to do it because nobody else wants to help me, so I'll just do it. And it was during finals week too, so I was already exhausted. And so I was cleaning the bathroom and it took me like three hours. because of how dirty it was. And the bathroom was, uh, the, it was a handicapped bathroom.

So it had like the, the chair and none of us were handy. None of us were handicapped. We just got put into a handicap one, I guess, just availability wise. And so they put the seat down and we put like our shampoo and conditioners, which at the time we didn't know that it would create mold because of like dripping.

But yeah, none of us thought about that. We're such smart college students. Um,  anyway, so I discovered that then. So I text the group chat and I was like, hey guys, just letting you know that I cleaned the bathroom. I noticed there was molds. So for the future, can we all have like shower caddies? So we just like, so we could avoid having this, You know, issue again, right?

The next morning I woke up at 6 a. m. To get ready for work. I had a, I used to be a substitute teacher. And you know, you're exhausted at 6 a. m. So I go and I'm going to, and I'm going to shower. I guess your stuff was there.  Yep. All right. We already know.  And it was just her too. So everybody else respected me at least.

And so I was like,  And that was another moment where I'm like, Hmm,  should I choose violence? Yeah. Yeah. So that was another thing. So then we went away, it was, um, I guess Chris, it was Christmas time. So we're away for a month. And that's actually when I started a YouTube channel and I came back and, um, the girl was just like, Oh yeah, I like your YouTube channel.

And I'm thinking in my head, I'm like, Oh, she's friends with me again.  And so I'm thinking, okay, I guess we're good. So I'm here thinking, like, hey, we're good for a little bit, and then she started to do it again. And I'm like, this is, like,  emotional abuse, right? And so, so, when, so we went away for spring break for a week.

And so she has a, she had a boyfriend at the time who, we followed me on Twitter. I mean, we all followed each other on Twitter. And there was, uh,  I think he tweeted that he likes sunflower seeds. It was something very simple. And so I responded back and I said, oh, I like sunflower seeds too. That's literally what the conversation was, right? You were hating on him. 

 How'd you know? Oh my god, I'm such a slut. Okay, so I don't know if I'm allowed to talk like that.  I apologize if that's, I'm not supposed to talk like that. That was so funny.  No, but I, I already can see how like petty this, everything you're talking about.  It's so universal because bullying doesn't stem from, like, Like, there's age related things when it comes to bullying, as far as, like, topics and styles, but, like, Everything that happens, like, the traits are just human traits.

You know, and it's whether it's something from their childhood or what  they're doing. So like the stuff you're talking about in college I've had roommates in the military. I've had friends who were in college and I've heard stories like this Where it's that passive aggressive or that everyone respects one rule and then that one person does like that stuff with the bathroom I've seen it happen with fridges with living room like the shared spaces like Yeah, it is it's that level of annoying because it's just like such pettiness Yeah, this is like okay So everyone did this in the no one cleans the bathroom But you guys are gonna get charged if someone doesn't so then you have to do it like This is all, I think we have a lot of people who are relating to this and the, um, the territorialness, especially of women in particular, whether it's friends or dating, I've seen it from middle school, elementary school up to college.

So  as soon as you said you like sunflower seeds too, that's like, I'm hearing that.  Through a woman's brain. I'm like two you're relating to him.  You're trying to relate to him I didn't even think about that in common with him. Now. I actually didn't even think that until today I've seen it. I've seen it happen over stuff like that.

Oh my god I've also dated women who were territorial and jealous and I if I if a waitress said she said like something I was like Oh my goodness, like I like that band, too you know the waitress leaves the table and then my girlfriend's like You Oh, so maybe you should take her to a concert to see them.

Maybe you should just date her since you like that band too. So I know women can be petty, and guys too. I've seen it both ways, but especially, as you said, the cat fights within dorms. I, yeah, so. Please carry on. Yeah. Like I said, I see where this is going. Story gets better. Uh, so yeah, apparently, uh, I, she was saying, I actually totally, I didn't even think about that.

Oh my God. And plus it's like, it's not just, it's not like I don't know him. Like he was, he would always stay at the apartment and he's a very friendly guy. Like that's just his personality. So yeah, I mean, and also I had a boyfriend at the time too, by the way. Just saying and that's in that. Um, so anyway, I get back from um,  spring break and all of a sudden like I was actually staying at the time like my, the boyfriend I had at the time at his place because the energy was so bad.

I was getting annoyed with this passiveness, her ignoring me. I couldn't deal with it anymore. It was just, it was affecting my mental health. So I was staying like at the time. Like, my, uh, I'm gonna say ex, cause it's not my boyfriend, ex's, uh, apartment, so much better, oh my god, such a relief, by the way, and then, um, but I needed to go back, because my car was parked by my apartment, cause I had to go and get, like, an MRI done, and so as soon as I go there, that was, like, her opportunity to attack, so I was just in my room, and she comes into my room, she looks at me, She was like,  Justine, um, she was starting saying like, I don't want you to ever use my TV in the living room.

You are not allowed to use that TV. I don't appreciate you talking to my boyfriend and no one here likes you. And you're such a problem. And, and you're literally so insane. Like you should get your brain checked out. Like,  like all of this stuff. Like I was just sitting here and she was just screaming at me. 

Scream. She's like, nobody wants you here. Like, just stay out. Like, it was just. I'm like,  I was like, okay. And then the roommate next to you, she was sitting there. But the thing is she didn't say anything. And I think. It's fine because  I'm sure she, she looked very startled. So she knew if she were to say something, then she's going to be the next target.

So she, but actually after I graduated, so two years after that, she'd actually sent me a text message apologizing for that year. She's like, I'm so sorry. I didn't stand up for you when she was acting like this. I was just scared of her. Like. And I said, I appreciate you, after all these years, reaching out to me and apologizing.

That's really nice of you. Um, but at least she knew that she was nuts. But, um, but yeah, no, she like, blew up on me, and I'm just, and it came out of nowhere because remember I was saying to you, everything was passive. She didn't actually like besides the tweet obviously the tweet is passive too. She never yelled me.

She never was like this There's no I don't like how you do this Like it was just everything was passive everything was quiet And then one day she just blew up because I said that I like sunflower seeds  it's a reflection on her character not yours and I say this because  You offered a clear communication line to discuss the issues.

You said, are you upset with me? I feel like that. So like you showed that you were a person who was self aware, had developed emotional intelligence and could communicate. And she just chose it. Maybe, maybe she, you know, could communicate with you and just chose not to, but that's a reflection on, on her personality for sure. 

I feel like she totally couldn't like, the fact that she just walked in,  Wait, I'm like thinking about it now, I'm actually  Reliving it.

 Yeah, I'm getting like, random flashbacks in my brain right now. And I think when she came in or something, I think she was like, Oh, can I talk to you for a second? I was like, yeah, and then the screaming started. I  think that's how it was. I do remember the screaming happened in my room. So,  Yeah, I think that she was like, she came in and she was calm at first.

I can't wait. Can I talk to you? I think like, and I can, and I'm looking at her body language in my head right now. I can tell that she was a little anxious and then she blew. Yeah.  So maybe she just, She was angry, which I mean whatever can be entitled to your feelings, but she didn't I think she really didn't know how to communicate them  I think she had no intelligence of that because it's okay If you're upset with somebody if you really thought I was hitting on your boyfriend Like I would apologize if I upset you in that way.

Like that's fine. You're allowed to you're you're allowed to feel a certain way But, don't come in here saying I need to get my brain checked out.  And I can't use your TV anymore, apparently. Even though the TV was in the living room, everyone's using it. I don't know,  think about it like this. Why would she just bring up her TV?

Is it because it's show control? Yes, exactly. It's like control because it's like,  is she the one who bought it for the door? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so it's a control thing to further outcast you from everyone. And then you see everyone using the TV and you can't, it's definitely a control thing to be like, It's mine, it's my power. 

Yeah, she liked the power over me. First you used my TV, now you're trying to use my boyfriend, you know?  I'm horrible! Yeah, yeah, homewrecker. Yeah, yeah, but, um,  I still think it's crazy that it was three girls in one dorm room for college. Like, I've seen two and two. Oh, yeah, you're right. So yeah, it's typically usually two and two, but it was really rare.

That there was one that it was three and two. Maybe one of the rooms was slightly bigger because of the handicap, but they did it Yeah, they did a bunk bed thing Yeah, that's still crazy college  I had two roommates in the same room  but yeah, like I said, i've had my fair share of roommate experience and um, even just like I had a friend who Like if other people called me away to talk to them Who would get mad and try to sabotage those relationships saying this person You You know actually wants this or that or this person is doing this and that and he would like try to Get rid of all my friendships.

So it was a C& I time because if he had no other friends So if I wasn't giving him attention then that's it and then so for me to have other friends And I've seen it happen in a lot of toxic relationships controlling relationships, and I want to go back to one of your first main points, which was the Engravement in the ingraining of those insults at youth  Like you said, you can quote them word for word and I had the same thing with,  uh, specifically from my mom, what she said to me, but I've dated a few women who were really self conscious.

I see.  I don't think  I've only dated. I think one woman who was actually like confident in their looks and had good self esteem because every other woman and these are all beautiful women got bullied growing up, whether some of them online, some of them in person and specifically I remember it really shocked me because I figured like almost everyone is a little self conscious, right?

That's natural, but then you had the bullying adds on an extreme layer of that But I was going out with this woman once and she goes we can't be seen in public together Uh, and I was like, what do you mean? And she goes  I, I'm so ugly, like, it would be bad for your reputation, you're such a good looking guy, to, for people to see you in public with someone like me, like, it would ruin your image.

And I was like, what are you talking, cause she was gorgeous, I had no idea, I would have never expected her to say that, I would have never said that, and I wouldn't expect, I wouldn't ever go up to someone or, or, or even think that about someone, like, who you love is who you love, like, If they're beautiful to you, I'm not going to say like she's too ugly for you or vice versa, but that's what she said She was she was nervous to go out in public together because she felt too ugly in comparison she felt like she wasn't worthy of me and I just  That's to me that really stuck with me because I was like that's  really bad that you were bullied that bad that you can't even accept  love and one thing you talked about how It's easier when you have a partner because they're providing you positive feedback compliments and honesty You  But  I just want everyone to be careful too that you don't become reliant on that that you need someone to love you and and love you for you loving yourself if you're tracking because I've been in relationships where  you know, the person I was dating didn't love themselves.

So they needed me to love them almost doubly uh, and they needed so many compliments so much this and constant reassurance, which is fine, but it was to a point where it was  draining it was a point of You You know, I'm constantly having to make them feel better for, I don't want to say for no reason, you know, they have their reasons why they feel bad, but because of other people having bullied them.

And so I think it's important to get some of your confidence from your partner, but ultimately you need to have confidence just from yourself, just believing, uh, that, that you look good, believing that you look good. And there are. You talked about neuroplasticity and rewiring the brain and how,  you know, there's different ways to do that.

For some people, it works best if they just tell themselves when they wake up, Today's going to be a great day. I'm beautiful. I'm smart. Some people, it's post it notes on their desk, on their mirror. But there's a lot of different ways to, you know, convince yourself and rewire because you have other people telling you otherwise.

And I really believe what you said about the It doesn't go away or disappear, but we learn to filter it, to redirect it, to, to get rid of it, and yeah, like you said, the permanent engravement, because I've got stuff that my mom said that, I think it's interesting,  you know, growing up I would talk to older people.

And ask them questions about their high school days or whatever. And they'd be like, Oh, I don't remember that. That was forever ago. And I'm sitting here thinking like, how do you not remember every single little thing? And then,  yeah, you know, I've been graduating for a few years now. I'm like, you know what?

I don't remember every single second of high school. I remember important events though. And I think it's interesting what things I remember and don't remember from both high school, middle school and home. And a lot of it is, is the trauma is certain words that we cling onto and latch onto. and that can affect us because I was bullied my whole life for being too skinny for this and that.

And, um, even to this day, even when I had bulked up to, uh, much heavier weight class than I was because I was 1 28. Well, I was 1 22 throughout most of high school and then 1 28 throughout  most of my life afterward and had gone up to 1 45. It was still like always gonna be too skinny and never good enough.

And I've had Tons of people reassuring otherwise, but it's difficult. It can be so damaging like you said and Especially when people don't understand and they're not helping you out and when you don't understand So I totally agree and I want to go back to your um,  you mentioned call for help versus cry for help And I just wanted to say for everyone you can call for help 988 is a suicide and crisis lifeline, which is something That's That wasn't always around.

Uh, so nowadays you can both cry for help and call for help. There is a hotline and That's an amazing resource out there that i'm really glad they created and so  Justine I know you talked about starting a youtube which honestly when she was like, oh, I like your youtube I kind of took that as a uh  I don't want to say a bad candidate.

It seemed like a bit of a snake tone to it. It was like, oh, I like your YouTube. I definitely don't think she meant it genuinely, but I don't, I can't speak on her behalf. So, that being said, when did, was that what is now the podcast? Was that something different? Did that transition into being the podcast?

 Yeah, so when I started, I started in 2016, I started out with comedy sketches and lifestyle, which by the way, the lifestyle helped out with the personal development part and help with healing. Um, so I did that up until like right before the pandemic. And at that time, I was like, I love doing YouTube. I love content creating, but I want you to think a little bit more meaningful.

So I just, I didn't want to keep doing the,  like, I don't know, remember to put lemon in your water kind of like Oh, remember you like wake up early at six and like writing a journal? Like I didn't want to keep doing surface level stuff anymore. I wanted to actually talk more deep about mental health. And so I actually.

They start like a series on the youtube channel is called breaking the stigma with and um, I actually had like a friend come over. We did like an interview thing and it was kind of like also doing yoga in a way Um, it didn't really perform that well. So that's where I was like, okay I still want to do this, but like the numbers aren't really that great compared to the other ones So I was thinking like, okay, i'm sure people actually care and want to hear advice from me and my and stories So let me do it on a podcast And at that time, I, when people were having podcast and I was listening to podcast, then I really thought it was only for like  big people, like influencers and like celebrities, to be honest with you.

But then I realized, Oh, wait, it's not. And then I, you know, I made like, literally, I started my podcast with just my phone on like the anchor app. And, um, so yeah, so that's when I transitioned to the podcast. I was still doing YouTube,  like travel vlogs. And like, I didn't, I didn't fully stop YouTube until 2022.

So I was still, but I was still doing it. I just wasn't really consistent anymore. Um, and I was like trying to look a travel vlog kind of thing, but it's just like, it's fun to filming, but the editing takes forever and it's just my, my energy wasn't there anymore. And, um, also I do social media management, so I'm already, I'm already making content.

So it makes it hard at the end of the day, if I want to like edit a video. So podcasting definitely is.  easier to, you know, edit and such. And I actually use Riverside now. So there's like an AI  editing and, and such, but anyway, so the podcast, I originally, um, started out because of that reason. And so it started being just like episodes of me.

You know, soul episodes talking about my story and advice and such. And then people started asking to be on the podcast to tell their story. And I was like, yeah, of course. And then, um, that was just like first one person. And then it just kept like more people kept asking. And in my head, I'm just like, okay, like people want to tell their students.

Amazing. And so, um,  Oh yeah. And then, so, um, I made an Instagram account because I wanted to build a podcast site to promote on social media. And then, um, when I did that, I actually started post reposting my Tik TOK videos to my Instagram and that's when real shit started. And my videos were blowing up on there.

Like I was getting like 30, 000 likes. Sorry, not likes, uh, views, 20, 000 views. Like I just, it was consistent across the board. And there were videos where it was like dark humor and they were based off of my personal experiences in my life. Right. And so I was like, Oh, wow. Like this, I guess. People feel less alone and they resonate to what I was like posting.

And so since it was growing and I was getting traffic, I'm like, okay, I want to keep growing this, but I can't do this alone. Um, I was still, I know I have like the job that pays bills and everything. And so naturally I'm just like, I need help. So I invited my friend Ariel on board. Because she's fantastic at like graphics and such and she's also been kind of behind the scenes of everything like she used to always do my photo shoots and everything and such, um, and she helped me with the name mentally a badass.

So I told her I was like. Why don't you just join this with me? And so she did, and best decision ever, so it's me and her that run this, this whole brand. She doesn't do the podcast, cause I'm the original host. She does help with the podcast when it comes to like, social media, but I'm mostly the podcast person.

Um, but yeah, so she, So she's great at graphics and, and she's an artist. So that's like what she brings to the brand. So she would draw a lot of cool graphics that people will resonate with. And so as they kept growing and we're making more connections, I've always wanted to do a clothing line. And so people were really enjoying the graphics that she was making.

So I, my head, I was just like, Oh, why don't we put these like on shirts? Like people love this.  So that's when we decided to do that. That started in May of this year. It's still really new to us. We're still trying to figure things out. And um, but the, our clothing line is what's on our shirts is stuff that like most people really walk around wearing.

So I'm actually wearing one right now. Or it says, I may be smiling, but I'm dead inside.  Um, so that kind of goes with like the whole dark humor of the brand. And then we have our most popular one is, I'm not lazy, I'm just surviving. So yeah, people really, they feel that. So, um,  So yes, that's kind of where we are today.

And so I'm working really hard on the podcast. Try hopefully going to try to be pitched to hopefully companies to sponsor and just really keep growing. And yeah, it's like where we are right now.  Yeah, no, I actually looked at your I'd looked at your clothing store. And I live in a town with one of the most prestigious art schools in America.

So there's a lot of women who prefer the art style. They love urban outfitters, not a the grunge wear and stuff. And so You definitely like everything I saw in your store is stuff. I see like around my town and I'm very popular online. I had looked through it and,   it's great.  It is stuff  that I would buy people.

So, and. Well at the time of this recording it's around the holiday season for Perfect for Vine. When this comes out, it'll be the spring season, so You can put it in an Easter basket for sure.  For all those spring and summer babies and birthdays, but yeah what I wanted to say  Yeah, so that's that's great.

You see just the future being expanding your show. What I wanted to ask was I know you had stopped doing the YouTube Are your old comedy sketches still up there for us to see what your college day comedy sketches were? Cause I definitely like to,  to see that I can tell by your action. You're like, Ooh, don't go look that up.

It's private. So you can't. Oh, okay.  I was wondering, so I hit all of that. I was like, and I sometimes go back at it, just watching myself and just like, Oh, I was a baby.  Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Do you do comedy at all? Cause I know you do a lot of clips on. social media,  from like the show and in life advice.

Do you still do any comedy clips at all?  Good question because actually I was  Like literally at two in the morning last night, I went through like my whole Instagram for mentally a badass and I was like, man, I used to, I was so funny. Like just stuff that I will, if you really go deep down, you see what I, Oh, I really hope you, you, you, I want, I want you to get it really funny.

And, um, yeah, so I would say, The answer is yes, but lately I haven't been that funny and this is going to sound really weird because I'm medicated and I'm funnier when I'm sad.  I know that sounds really weird, but, um, I'm good. I'm stable. I'm happy. And it's kind of hard to like the funny stuff that I would put on those reels is dark humor  and that's the, people will love it, but it's like, it's hard for me to make videos when I'm not.

Personally experiencing it anymore, so that's where I'm kind of got a creativity stuck, but I think to answer your question  I think I could be a pretty fun. I mean I started with comedy.  I started out like that. So  Okay, awesome. Yeah, and so Regarding your show. I know we've covered a little bit about what it's all about And I just want you know, just for a little more direction for like  Who should check it out?

And what are they really going to take away from it?  Yeah, so the people who should check out my podcast are People who are currently, like, experiencing, like, uh, usually, the topics are pretty, like, different for each one. Um, and I bring on experts that have a story. So, I have a lot of episodes that are trauma related, like, childhood trauma.

And a lot of people don't realize how their trauma affects their, their, their future. So if they have an interest of learning more about mental health, definitely check out my podcast. Um, but yeah, there's like a lot of great minds that I talked to where I've learned literally so much. And I've, I have an episode with someone who you talked about triggers and I think that can be very beneficial for somebody who may,  Like behave a certain way and get angry at themselves because they're behaving that way.

So I have a lot of really amazing people that, um, has honestly have been through hell and came out. So if you, if you are pretty much, if that person is kind of like going through hell or going through something that my podcast would get that beacon of hope because they will see a transformation in that guest. 

Awesome. Yeah. What I've noticed is if you get traumatized as a child, you end up either in the military as a podcaster, an artist or a psychologist, but there are plenty of other options. Uh, those are like the main careers you'll get out of it. But, um, no, it's definitely, you know, it is what you make of it.

Uh, I know definitely growing up like  and going through it, you definitely don't see that, but there are so many ways to self improve and so many resources out there. So, I definitely recommend everyone goes and checks out your podcast to take away some kind of self improvement from it. And ladies and gentlemen, if you want to be a guest on Justine's podcast, if you have that kind of story or that expertise, you can connect with her on Podmatch to Talk about pitch about being a guest and if you don't have a pod match account, you can make one Using my link in the description below to connect with hosts and guests.

So With that all being said Justine. I want to thank you for coming on the show to continuing to Spread resources and awareness about these topics Like we've mentioned it is  I want to say becoming more and more common and especially with technology as it is now, like we mentioned, social media has drastically expanded.

And I've talked before on the show about how comment sections are just so full, depending on the platform, but especially like Instagram and X are  toxic, hateful, perverted. And it's, um,  almost for no reason. I mean, there are reasons bully, bully. Uh, sometimes they have a, you know, a sad backstory and other times it's just power goes to their head.

And sometimes it's just for no reason, just to be cruel. Uh, so I really appreciate you reaching out to everyone who was in your situation is going through what you went through or will be. So thank you for coming on the show and sharing all of that.  Thank you so much for having me. I really had a good time.